MOVIE REVIEWS
Snakes on a Plane (a third time)
Louis Allred Jr.
I can think of few movies in recent memory that had as much build-up as Snakes on a Plane. Sure, there were bigger movies with much wider appeal coming down the pipeline, but no one had a website named piratesonablog.com. No geeks put up videos on YouTube of themselves singing a song called “Talladega Days.”
No, there was something about the direct simplicity of a film titled Snakes on a Plane starring Samuel L. Jackson and the studio’s wise decision to keep us in the dark about the content of the film that stuck in the Internet’s collective subconscious and drove people into a speculative frenzy. Predictions ranged from it becoming the worst movie in recent memory to it becoming the best worst movie in recent memory.
I’m happy to say it’s closer to the latter. Snakes is fun and, surprisingly, funny on its own merits. Of course, it’s campy and poorly made as all hell, but there’s a healthy lack of seriousness throughout the proceedings. It’s surprising, since people were probably expecting a crappy horror film that took itself too seriously, and divine campy joy from that, which is usually how camp works. But, it still hits most of the same buttons. Call it “processed movie cheese food.”
The story (funny calling it a “story…”) begins with a dopey surfer in Hawaii who happens upon a murder perpetrated by Eddie Kim, an Asian mobster (Yakuza? Who cares!). The thugs try to eliminate him at his apartment, but he is miraculously rescued by Neville Flynn, FBI agent extraordinaire –
You know what? Fuck it. I’m calling him Samuel L. Jackson, because you’re not here to see Jackson play a character; you’re here to see Samuel L. Jackson swear and enforce on some motherfuckers as only he can. So…
Samuel L. Jackson, FBI agent extraordinaire. He convinces the surfer guy to testify against Eddie Kim, so they board a flight back to Los Angeles. Kim decides to take them out, so he uses the most direct, simple way to kill them: release a load of venomous snakes and hope they get bitten.
There’s a large cast of supporting characters: a stewardess on her last flight, a rapper with OCD, a spoiled bitch with a little dog, two other stewardesses, a married couple, another (possibly?) married couple who join the mile-high club, um… a British guy….
OK, it doesn’t matter, really, nor does any further plot discussion. If you’ve seen any of the Airport films, just add snakes and you’ve got this movie. It’s about a collection of social stereotypes trapped in a small space threatened by an insurmountable obstacle, and half of them die trying to survive it. One does not watch a movie like this for the labyrinthine plot; one watches to see people dying in creative and hilarious ways, and they do.
Here’s a test to see if you’re on board for the tone of this film: the killings start with the mile-high couple getting stoned and turning the bathroom into a soft-porn set. The snakes descend and kill them, the woman dying from a snakebite to the (exposed) breast. Did you laugh? If yes, then welcome to Snakes on a Plane. We’ve made a bed for you.
Despite all the carnage around them, Jackson manages to rally the troops through a time-tested motivational combination of getting angry and yelling at the passengers and getting angry and yelling at the snakes. And, like the little model U.N. that they are, the passengers handle themselves well. Except for the guy who gets eaten by a boa constrictor. (They aren’t poisonous, are they?) And the guy who takes a high heel to the temple. And the old lady… you know what? Never mind.
Here’s my ironclad rule about Snakes on a Plane: if you don’t enjoy this movie, you have no soul. Simple. If this film bends you out of shape enough that you give it a negative review, you’re probably an uptight twat anyhow. Harsh, I know, but I’ve seen a few coldly negative reviews that read something to the effect of “This movie was SOOOO lame!! The acting was terrible, the script was ass, and the effects looked like dogshit run through a sewer.”
Yes. And you were expecting Lord of the Rings?
If you come to a movie titled Snakes on a Plane awaiting an illuminating cinematic event, you need to recalibrate your expectations. A man is bitten on his dick after pissing on a snake. That’s the level we’re dealing with in this movie. If that ruffles your feathers, Fanfan la Tulipe is playing at the Nuart. Enjoy. I’ll see the rest of you at Jackass – Number Two.
