MOVIE REVIEWS
Pulse
Jay Perry
Back in 1973, when The Exorcist debuted in theaters across the U.S., it was legitimately frightening for a majority of theater-goers. In fact, the film was (and some say, still is) so powerful with its demonic imagery that the faint-of-heart in the audience would pass out from the overwhelming horror. It wasn’t uncommon to see paramedics rushing into a local theater in an effort to revive another victim of an Exorcist viewing.
Well, here in 2006, a new horror film has been unleashed to the masses that will be causing an increase of emergency calls from every Regal, AMC, and Lowe’s theater in existence. What film, you ask? It goes by the name of Pulse: a film so incredibly dull, that paramedics will need to check the pulses of everyone in the theater to make sure that they didn’t die of boredom. If for some reason you decide to see this movie (I doubt you will want to after reading this review), please for all that is holy, don’t go alone. If you’re a guy, bring a hot girl (how you get her into the theater is up to you, but take it from me, horse tranquilizers work) so that when you stop breathing, she can administer some mouth-to-mouth. If you’re a girl, bring a hot girl with you, so that when you stop breathing, she can administer some mouth-to-mouth much to the delight of every male in attendance.
The plot of this cinematic abortion revolves around Mattie (Kristen Bell) whose boyfriend just committed suicide for no apparent reason (kids these days!) But, unlike your typical MySpace suicide, there actually WAS a reason. Her boyfriend, who happens to be a hacker, unlocked a mysterious paranormal wireless signal that has unleashed a rag-tag group of ghouls that travel through wireless connections and suck out the life force of their victim(s).
That’s it. These kids get killed because they have a Wi-Fi connection. Fucking Verizon Wireless, I knew it would be the death of all humanity.
Pulse (called “Kairo” in Japan) joins a rapidly-growing list of Japanese horror films that are being adapted for an American audience. If you’ve seen one of these adaptations, you’ve seen them all: pale-skinned, large eyed ghosts move spastically towards an unknowing victim, groaning and babbling incoherently in the process. I guess when you die, you end up like Gary Busey. One characteristic that separates the ghosts in Pulse from other recent J-Horror adaptations is that they are little perverts. They cop a feel from female victims (just look at the poster), panty raid washers and dryers, and even slip into a bathtub with Mattie. Not only do you end up like Gary Busey when you die, but apparently you don’t get any action either.
Being that this film is PG-13, you can expect plenty of obnoxiously loud noises and quick cuts to be used as cheap scare tactics. One noise, in particular, is used throughout the film and I must admit it’s kind of disturbing, but not in the way the director intended. Sometimes when the ghosts are on-screen, a loud bass-heavy buzz will emit from your cinema’s speakers. For lack of a better way to describe this sound, it sounds like the sound designer stuck the boom microphone up his ass and let out a sphincter-ripping fart. The sounds are so similar, that when you’re watching the movie, you wonder if the kids are running away from the ghosts because they’re scared or because the ghosts had one too many burrito’s at Taco Bell.
Also, since this film is PG-13, the blood and gore that we’ve come to know and love from most horror films are sorely missing. These kids die by either melding into a wall or just bursting into a pile of ash. Heck, there’s even one scene where Mattie gets into a car crash, causing glass to shatter across her face. You figure that’s going to get the blood flowing, right? Wrong: she’s barely cut up. Christ, it looks like she fell off a swing set. In fact, the only time you see the color red is when the red tape is introduced
Oh yes, the red tape.
Apparently, red tape is like kryptonite to these spectral assholes. It somehow blocks the frequency that the ghosts use to travel, prohibiting them from entering an area. This is all explained by some crazy kid named Douglas Zieglar, played by Kel O’Neill, who is so laughably bad that he could probably be out-acted by a pile of bricks. Why don’t these kids just wrap themselves up with the red tape? Lord knows if that was the case, it would have provided for much more entertainment.
Every clich in the book makes its presence known in Pulse: from the Mexican character who sells bootleg CD’s to the tech geek that will potentially solve the mystery by the end of the film, you will have so many “been there, seen that” moments that you’ll start to wonder if you’re watching a training video on how to make a crappy horror film. One monster clich that stands out is the crazy old man that the protagonists run into at the local diner, played by veteran whack job of the big screen Brad Dourif (voice of Chucky from Child’s Play, Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings), who warns the kids of the impending doom that this technologically-dependant society is about to experience. In other words, he tells you exactly what is going to happen at the end of the movie. He must have read the script (but if he did, why the hell would he agree to act in this horseshit?)
When this film is released on DVD, it should come with a warning: “Do not watch while operating heavy machinery. Women who are pregnant should also avoid.” Trust me, if there’s one movie that will cause premature birth, it’s Pulse.
