MOVIE REVIEWS
The Marine
Jay Perry
Choo-choo! All aboard the clich train. Please have your boarding ticket in one hand and a case of cyanide pills in the other. Your conductor, WWE grappler John Cena, will be taking you on a yawn-inducing ride filled with loud noises, atrocious dialogue, and nauseating acting. At the conclusion of the ride, please swallow the entire case of your previously mentioned cyanide pills, as the painful life-lasting memories this ride creates will be too much to handle.
WWE Films is at it again, this time delivering a full-nelson body slam to a new genre: the action film. Chances are if you are reading this, you never sat through the first WWE Films installment: the shit-tastic horror romp “See No Evil”. The effects of watching that movie are similar to viewing the tape from “The Ring”, except that instead of dying in seven days, you immediately drop dead after the final scene (which consists of a dog urinating in the eye socket of the antagonist – I am not kidding.) Needless to say, a WWE Films production isn’t the most sophisticated piece of cinema you will find. This fact is further proven with their latest release: “The Marine”.
What you are about to read is the quickest synopsis of a full-length feature film in history. Somebody call Guiness because yours truly is about to break a record. Ready? Here we go:
Art School Confidential
Nathan Lim
Terry Zwigoff is a freak, which is why his films are so eerily great. The cult classic documentary Crumb, the coming-of-age Ghost World, and the hysterical Bad Santa are all from the mind of this enigmatic weirdo. There’s an infamous story that he once kept a gun under his pillow, and when the eccentric illustrator Harry Crumb initially refused to do the documentary, Zwigoff threatened to shoot himself in the head. The rest is of course history.
So the latest dark comedy from Zwigoff is Art School Confidential, a satirical look at the world of art school. Jerome Platz (Max Minghella) has been a loser all his adolescent life. The guys bully him and the girls ignore him. So one day, he decides that he’s going to stick it to all the people who have wronged him and become THE GREATEST ARTIST OF THE 21st century. In a hilarious scene, a young Jerome, dressed as Pablo Picasso, says to the class, “Even though I’m super short and bald, I am able have sex with any beautiful woman I want, just because I’m so great.”
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